Fingering

Most men like it,
most men are willing to please their partners that way…and most men (from my experience)…don’t get it.

I don’t want to sound offensive, but mostly fingering was a far from pleasant experience.
Why? Because most men were uncareful and therefore too rude.
Asking if he wanted to shorten his fingernails helped a bit, however, the technique was too often deplorable.

Whether your woman loves it or not is a personal thing, I know.
Yet I want to give you some basic tips:

– most important: Take care of your hands! Cutting the nails and wash your hands… not that difficult.
– Second: Finger her if she’s wet already, not to make her wet. That hurts.
I also advise you to pleasure her with your tongue first.
In my case, fingering was only pleasant when being soaking wet, not just a little.
Add lube your fingers if necessary.
– don’t start with penetrating her too fast, start slowly instead.
Some seem to think a woman’s inside is a brick wall they have to crush with the fingers. Well…not exactly, but you understand me, right? Always be careful.
– adding to the last point: build up speed gradually.
– change the movement, to add variation and to see what she likes: sometimes going up and down, sometimes in and out, sometimes making circles…
– Look at her face, but don’t forget to observe her body: Moans of discomfort can easily be mistaken for moans of pleasure.
Not even the facial expressions are always that clear.
If she is really enjoying your action, she will push her lower body against your hand to feel you deeper and more intense.
BUT…if she doesn’t enjoy it, she will most likely try to avoid your fingers by distancing herself (literally). Oh, and she will probably be trying to push your hand away.
The difference is often very subtle, but real.

A general advice, and certainly a cliché: Get to know each other.
And to the receiving person: Please, let your partner know what you like, or what is painful.

I hope this post will be helpful.

Sex and intimacy

Combining those two factors is still difficult for me I’ve noticed through the years.
Even though having fun, I’ve had a lot of sex without having a deep emotional connection, and I experienced great intimacy without having sex.
But when those two are coming together…?
No, that when you reach my fragility.

I’ve been thinking about this lately, and maybe it has to do with some sort of attachment disorder. It’s almost funny to feel how my mind is precluding this combination.
As I had said in a previous post, I experienced this uneasiness while being touched by A.
Somehow he ‘penetrated’ me, in an emotional way, as a gentle intruder, searching for depths I didn’t even know I had.
There have been moments I suddenly started to cry because the intense stimulation in my soul.
Then he would look at my face and say with countenance: “It’s okay.”
Our meetings had become very intense at last, but somehow…I think it’s good our connection didn’t last.
Every next time we saw each other, our actions would lean more and more against ‘the deed’.
Physically, I experienced great pleasure, but emotionally I was in two minds.
‘I like it.’ but ‘it feels wrong.’
I just know that, even if he didn’t break contact and he didn’t know I’ve been a prostitute, our connection would have become too intense and too difficult.
How should we have behaved after the deed? I don’t know.
And if I would meet him again? I would probably turn my head.
Not because I hate him (I’m over that), but because I wouldn’t know how to react.
Anyway, enough about A.

Recently, I came to know a young guy. He seems to be quite nice.
But I’m still careful, for I’m not used to get know somebody ‘the normal way’.
By ‘the normal way’ I mean: Dating, taking about each other’s life, meeting the parents…
So weird…maybe I’m just not at all attracted to him, but I don’t see him becoming a sexual lover.
Intimacy…yes, caring for each other, yes. Cooking dinner and being a good wife (I know this sounds old-fashioned) But sex…not immediately.

And I’m quite sure this disconnection (or better said: the connection I’ve never learnt to make) is a factor that has played an important role in taking unusual decisions (by which I don’t mean to say it’s the direct cause).
Having erotic and sexual experiences, ‘playing’ with men and to see how far I can get them, prostitution…all without feeling a deep connection.
And most important:
My lack of inner comprehension towards people who can’t separate sex and intimacy.
Yes, I know how strange this sounds towards a lot of readers, but how many times haven’t I caught myself thinking: ‘JC, is it so difficult for you to disconnect those things?’ Yeah, not the most empathic attitude, I know.
Most of the time it happened when I was in company of people who so badly wanted sex yet wanted to wait for their ‘true love’. I just couldn’t commiserate over their feelings.

I sometimes wonder: Was I really ‘damaged’ long ago? Is it bad? Or is it just me?
Had my parents better raised me strict? And would it have helped? Or is there nothing wrong, am I just different in that way?

I wonder… is there someone who has/had the same feelings towards intimacy and sex? you’re free to share it (or not).

Dirty little secret

Unobtrusively
you’ve contacted me.

Discreet, because
censure is not far away.

Unintentionally, my image cossets your thoughts.
Your thoughts recreate me
again and again
until your secret
becomes an ultimate fantasy.

When we meet again
I’m only the person you see
And you’re only the person I see
at that only eligible moment.

Not more than our dirty little secret
but all the intense are our desires
and my sensuality.

I’m ready to be your dirty little secret
in the realm of mystery.
The realm wherein we can withdraw
from outside world.
Wherein we can satisfy our cravings
forbidden, yes, totally forbidden
but therefore, all the intense.

Our way go separate after those pleasurable hours
but time can’t be turned back
And we will for always remain
a dirty little secret. 

Laughter

Laughter is in your eyes
Unaffected, genuine laughter
The one that makes your eyes sparkle
reflecting
the most, simple and true beauty
Beauty of the moment
Between us two
Laughter, the most intimate one,
not shared to everyone

only predestined to you
Your cute laughter
so innocent, yet so enigmatic
as are your intentions
Your laughter
makes me feel innocent and girly again
as a virgin…in a way.
Your laughter
makes my façade melt
like snow in the sun
Your laughter
cossets my soul
and fills it again with warmth
the warmth you radiate
The warmth I’m addicted to…

Jeune et jolie: not (only) a man’s fantasy

Dear readers,

Great controversy has been going one, since ‘Jeune et Jolie’ came out.
The amoral view of the director on prostitution and the rather positive experiences of Isabelle, the 17-years old teenager, has made people frown the eyebrows numerous times.
Some thought of the movie as ‘unacceptable’, and that François Ozon just visualized his ‘fantasy’.

Peter Bradshaw wrote about the film:
François Ozon’s new film is a luxurious fantasy of a young girl’s flowering: a very French and very male fantasy, like the pilot episode of the world’s classiest soap opera.
Well thank you, I’m a luxurious and very French male fantasy. And I’m real.

One commented on the announcement of ‘Jeune et Jolie’ in the Guardian:
I read a very good article the other day in The Guardian about the macho culture, sexism, male gratification and the complicity of males vis-à-vis the exploitation of young women….and how we accept this culture instead of rail against it. Is this film not a perfect example of all of the above? This is pure male fantasy. Why would women be interested in watching an adolescent girl (sorry, folks, but she’s only 17 years old, not officially an adult yet at 18) perform sex acts in hotel rooms with all sorts of different men? DOES NO-ONE FIND THE SUBJECT MATTER OF THIS FILM DISTURBING? And why would a film director want to make this kind of film?? I’m surprised at the lack of protest. Does anyone agree with me?

Well, dear commentator, I’m the first one to not agree with you, and I’m certainly not going to protest against it.
This is not a purely male fantasy. And I don’t think it’s disturbing .
It’s reality to some young women, as me.
Ok, I was one and half year older than her, but the storyline of the movie could me mine. I was curious to look for something new in life.
A more exciting activity, maybe a dangerous one…and by the way, very lucrative, even though I didn’t need the money.
I find it quite funny that this person talks about ‘the exploitation of young women’, while it’s very clear that the character had made this decision herself, and that no one was even close to force her into it. And what about the men paying her, are they not exploited then?
Ok, Isabelle was 17, that’s too young to be legal, but I wouldn’t call these men ‘predators’ or something like that. I haven’t seen the movie yet, but if she doesn’t mention her age, how could they know?
Speaking about myself, I don’t look very different from when I was 17.

Another, assumably female commentator responded, less pedantically, by saying she felt ‘uncomfortable’:
@Wannakeep: I see what you’re getting at and that was my reaction initially. I got quite uncomfortable for that very reason. But it goes well beyond male fantasy. And ito the realm of some quite uncomfortable “truths”. And we’re into Belle du Jour territory. Ozon asks why this young woman could possibly be interested in prostitution, and in a key scene with her psychiatrist, the central character starts to explain the kicks she gets out of it. The ‘grandmotherly’ seal of approval is also stamped onto the film when Rampling admits that she, too, dreamed of being paid for sex. It’s the uncomfortable hypothesis that some women who prostitute themselves for reasons other than money actually get a kick out of it. And back to Belle du Jour.

This comment at least made some sense to me, because I can image that other women, unlike myself, feel uneasy thinking of the idea that women sell sex for another reason than only a monetary one.
My feeling towards sex and prostitution are rather exceptional.
I loved to have sex in exchange of money, I could enjoy the sex itself at times, and I could genuinely enjoy the company of my client, without acting.

Anyway, you already guessed the essence:

François Ozon’s fantasy is REAL!

When desire won’t die

You, who loved my body
you, who ignited a scorching flame
You, who made me feel as a woman
at the same time as a young girl
cherished by your hands,
and by your gaze

You, who made tears run over my face
from joy
from pleasure
from excitement
from anger
…even from hate

Trying to forget you
Trying to ban you out of my mind

But your image
only your image
is too strong
too compelling

My body
it aches for yours
your hands
your eyes
resting upon my skin

Your image made me cringe
This body
it cried for you
still crying
during the lonely nights

elegant devil
or cruel angel

Why did I ever come to you?
Why did you have to go?

sacred-sensual-fire

A sense of spirituality….a musing

My soul

it longs to find a deeper meaning
A meaning of beauty
A meaning of pleasure, but the durable sort.
Pleasure that comes from the soul
not only from the body,
Although that being a great means to it.

Spirituality that comes to the body
having its foundation in the mind
and at the same time originating from
the body

I feel empty
left with nothing
But the pressure
to succeed, to gain, to possess

But what do I gain, after all
If I can’t even gain a deeper sense of me,
a deeper sense of my existence?
A beauty that has no limits,
whatever people say
The possibility
To see beauty in others
even when they’re not seeing it?

Spiritual is the person,
who sees beauty in life itself
not in its requirements.