Sex and love

Dear readers,

I wrote about this topic a long time ago. So I decided it is time to ‘renew’ it.

Sex and love… should be connected, according to the prevailing societal view on sex.
Yet, I know for some people (like me), sex is just a physical thing.
Even when I’m with my lover I don’t consider sex as ‘love-making’.
Honestly, I never considered sex as ‘love-making’, so that explains maybe why I never saw sex work as a ‘taboo’-thing. I can’t tie sex and love together in my mind, although I know they go together. It just doesn’t work like that for me.
I love to enjoy physical sensation, but my pleasure can also be derived from going out to dinner, drinking a nice wine, cuddling, dancing…and so forth.

That being said; I’ve never had sex out of love.
At the moment I have a great lover, but I enjoy our philosophical talks and cuddling as much, or even more, than sex. Falling asleep in his arms after a warm shower, that’s what I call the most intimate thing, not ‘sex’.

Another ‘problem’ I have is that I find sex really hilarious.  When you take away all the societal, emotional and material adornments, imagining sex is really funny. We’re really no different than animals in that way.
Sometimes, when I’m having sex with my lover, I have to make an effort not to laugh.
‘Don’t laugh too hard….don’t laugh to hard…’ I think my lover would find it really strange if I bursted out laughing while sex. I don’t want him to think I ridicule his performance, because he’s really good in bed.
And that’s what most people don’t like to see. Without the right ‘adornments’, a lot of people think it’s filthy and immoral. And that’s the problem with prostitution.

Prostitution is clear about sex. ‘Sex in exchange of money’. It couldn’t be a more clear arrangement. And sex without adornment…Who wants to engage in that, voluntarily?
It must be a crazy or broken person.



Society ‘misfit’

Dear readers,

After months of trying to get ‘normal jobs’. I must say: ‘I feel like a total misfit.’
Even before I entered my secret profession, I had troubles keeping a ‘normal’ job.
Up to this day, I have little clarity about my incapability to find and keep a job.
Work ethics and attitude were never my problem, though.
Often employers would praise me because of my good attitude.
But…it’s never enough…I’m never enough.

A few weeks ago I started a job as an administrative assistant. I had high hopes and I wanted to know and learn everything possible. Unfortunately, my hope was destroyed after exactly 3 days. Due to my extreme fear of failure (in my case, you can call it a sort of anxiety), I was unable to pick up seemingly simple information.
The third day, my fellow employees decided I was too stupid to learn something meaningfull and decided I should copy and scan documents from then on, which I did, obediently.
Never in my life I felt so humiliated. Minute after minute. Hour after hour, day after day, I have to stand on my feet, copying and scanning documents,….while watching others doing the job I should be doing.  That’s the only thing I have to do. More than once I asked my colleagues if I could do something else.
But they refused. At least they are honest enough to say:
‘We think other tasks are too difficult for you.’  At least I have that clarity.
My employer gave me a test contract for 4 weeks.
Next week I will start working my third week. I have no hope my contract will be prolonged.

Looking back at my life, I have to say that during most of my lifetime, I’ve felt inappropriate, inadequate, inept and so on.
I know this is a terrible way of living and I’m trying to change that.
But to be honest, I’m starting to fall into a depression.
I’m thinking about entering sex work again.



Simply Sex

Two weeks ago I saw my lover.
He was my second client ever in my profession.
He has always been a loyal client, never asking for more than the pleasure of our allocated time.
Even not after telling him I quit sex work but willing to make an exception for him.
He never asked for more, while other clients always wanted more.

We enjoy each other’s company, and that’s it.
Sex is fun, but not the most important thing. (At least not in my eyes)
Most of the time we enjoy lying in bed, intimately, talking about funny and serious things.

We just ‘are’. And that’s beautiful. No expectations, just enjoying.
No prejudices (or barely any).

With him I’m now able to talk about sex work without seeing him cringe, something he always tried to hide meticulously. Of course, he never succeeded.

During our latest encounter, I asked him why he cringed hearing the idea of me being a prostitute.
Not receiving a sensible answer, I continued talking about the importance of sex at modern times. This reminds of a famous quote of Marlène Dietrich:


While we weren’t in America, this saying is striking for many regions, religions and cultures in the world.

As people have made sex, a natural biological act, seem like a huge aspect of life and themselves, that’s were the stigma begins: Courtesans or tawaifs and sex workers can never exist in the same way they existed before. They were revered for their feminine arts. Sex happened, but it wasn’t a big deal as it would be in modern times.
Today even the most intelligent and skilled courtesan would be simplified as ‘a sex object’.
While sex is a simple biological process.
It’s a small part of people’s life. Why make it so big? Why make it something it isn’t?
Even during a period when there were no such precautions as existing today, sex wasn’t as important as it is now.

That’s what I told my lover. And he understood.
He understood it very well. From then on, the cringe on his face no longer showed.

This is my own thought, something I derived from a saying from Sadhguru:
Unfortunately I cannot play the video here. I need to upgrade.

Sex, Sexuality and the Divine : “Once you could not accept the simple biological differences between a man and a woman, and what happens…
That’s where the whole exploitation of the woman started.
If we had no problem with the biology…we would not make a distiction between who is who..
Everybody would be know for what they’re worth.
Whether somebody was brought/born to you a virgin or a prostitute, what’s your problem?
What the man is worth that’s all that matters, isn’t it?
So whether somebody is a man or a woman, what’s your problem?
What that person is worth, that’s all that should matter to you.
You don’t have to make the biology sacred nor do you have to make it fithy.
It’s simply there. It’s simply life (…..).
I you know how to live it, without decorating it or without making it ugly.
…it has a beauty of it’s own”

I’d like to write down the whole content of the video, but that’s not very interesting nor useful.
But if you have time, certainly watch the video. 😉




In peace with sex work.

I’m in peace with the fact I did or may do sex work in the future.

I ‘admit’ I never felt guilty about it.

The reason why I’m leaving sex work is that I don’t need it any longer.
Money was a desire.
Sex was a desire, nothing more.
Having said that; I’m not becoming a ‘better’ person’ or a ‘good person’.
It’s just I don’t need sex work anymore.
But demeaning sex workers…that I will never do.
They are all living creatures. Wonderful different living humans.
We’re all different, but we all want the same: Finding Happiness.
What happiness is and what the best path towards happiness is, is highly debatable.
So..trying to ‘save’ people who have consciously chosen sex work as their path of happiness is a silly and demaening thing to do.
I even dare to say it’s an insult towards other human beings’ intelligence.

Not too long ago I had contact with very professional high class escort agency.
I was so happy to be one of ‘the chosen ones’.
Especially because they selected their escort models differently. You didn’t have to be exceptionally beautiful (according to society’s standards) but you had to have a certain ‘presence’ and certainly, to be committed.
Month of month I’ve been an expert in deluding myself into thinking I really wanted this and that I was truly ‘fit’ for the job.
But the more I looked forward, the more I hesitated.
Why did I cause suffering to myself in such way…? Not because it’s sex work, but because I felt I was lying constantly. Big lies I can tell myself, I realize now. But my inner self has always known it’s a LIE. Is it so for all sex workers? Definitely not.
There are woman who are committed and devoted to their job. They commit themselves, no matter what society is telling, acting and thinking. This demands enormous psycological strenght. And for that reason, I greatly admire them.
So this evening I sent my manager an e-mail trying to explain my decision.
Of course he will not react in an understanding way. The agency works extremely professional, and having signed a contract already will maybe have some very negative consequences towards me. Yes, it will be a negative consequence.
But experiencing a negative consequence because of breach of contract will cause less damage than setting myself up for a life that is negative consequence as a whole.

If you find my post boring, so be it. But it would be wonderful if you would take the effort to listen to this video:

Sadhguru – Isha Foundation- Sex, sexuality and Divine

Life beyond the Intellect.

Life…The source of everything. 
We don’t live a life. We Are Life. 
Our Life is the Source,
Our thoughts, emotions and behavior are the outcome. 
Like water, they create, shape and destroy.

For a very long time I thought Life was the Water.
Thoughts, emotions, behaviour…
Not realizing they are the outcomes of the Source.
And Means to find back the Source.
If one is willing. 

The water is unpredictable.
I thought life was the water.
As I let myself being carried by the water,
I felt hopeless when I couldn’t swim,
Not realizing Life is the Source,
Undisturbed by any influence of the Water.

The water is there, 
The source is peaceful. 

There is no water without The Source.
The Source can exist without the water.
Water cannot exist without the Source.
The Source is not disturbed by it.
It exists. As Life exists.
I am a piece of Life.
Therefor I know the greatest Peace is the Source,
not the Water. 

Water is an Outcome.
A means to recognize Life, to trace it back.
When we’re willing to trace back.
We will find the Source of Peace. 

I wrote this text while being on a spiritual journey.
And I still am.
I am a Seeker. People Are Seekers.
I only wished that people would recognize that they are…
One of the people that lightened the Spark is Indian Mystic and Yogi Sadhguru.

Yet, there is another situation where I experience Life itself.
Years ago I went to Varanasy.
At one point, very briefly, I felt Life coming together.
I started to cry, feeling humble as I’m only human.
And Powerful as a Piece of Life.

Liberation from Women’s liberation – Sadhguru

As you can read, I’m becoming quite a ‘admirer’ from the mystic and seeker Sadhguru. 
Again, whether he’s right or wrong…I can follow many of his ways of thinking. 
As I cannot read or deliver content as wisely as he does, here is another valuable piece of wisdom.


“Right now, a woman is trying to fit into the man’s world. She should not fit into a man’s world. Half the world should anyway be hers.

The so-called women’s liberation is more against the feminine nature than anything. It is a desperate attempt, because when you try to become like a man, when you try to do things like him, somewhere you are admitting that masculine is superior to feminine. This whole idea of what is superior and what is inferior is a very masculine idea. If you look at life, everything has a role to play. Because you have made one aspect of life too important, it looks like one kind of people are more important than the other kind.

I have heard some very strong feminine liberation forces. They are definitely not talking like feminine, they are more masculine than men.

They are hard and straight – that is not feminine nature. Even a man is willing to be a little loose, but these women are not willing to relax themselves for a moment. They are just on like that. I think this has happened in reaction to a certain exploitative situation in the world. They are in a state of reaction to something that they consider as injustice.

I am not saying there has been no injustice. There has been too much injustice to the women on the planet, on all levels.

In search of Justice

They are in reaction to that, but whenever you start a movement in reaction to something or somebody else, if you react to one injustice, you will only cause another injustice. You cannot set it right that way. If you want true justice, you must leave the nonsense that has happened till now and look at life fresh. What would make us a balanced society? We are always reacting to the past. In that reaction, we will only cause another kind of imbalance. Shifting from one kind of injustice to another kind of injustice is not a solution.

A woman has been put down in many ways for a long time, so now let us put the man down – that is not a solution. That is not going to be towards human wellbeing.

Within a certain family, suppose you treat your wife like a maid servant. Your misfortune is you have to live with a maid servant which we don’t want. If the situation is reversed in search of justice, then you will end up with a wimp of a man which we don’t want either.

All kinds of things have happened in the past. Reacting to that is not the solution. Which way would a woman really be happy in society? We have to look at that without taking what happened yesterday as the basis of what we want to happen tomorrow. The way tomorrow should be, should be different. It should not be in reaction to yesterday. If it happens in reaction, at the most you may reverse the situation, but once again you will suffer because the same things will happen in a different way.”