In peace with sex work.

I’m in peace with the fact I did or may do sex work in the future.

I ‘admit’ I never felt guilty about it.

The reason why I’m leaving sex work is that I don’t need it any longer.
Money was a desire.
Sex was a desire, nothing more.
Having said that; I’m not becoming a ‘better’ person’ or a ‘good person’.
It’s just I don’t need sex work anymore.
But demeaning sex workers…that I will never do.
They are all living creatures. Wonderful different living humans.
We’re all different, but we all want the same: Finding Happiness.
What happiness is and what the best path towards happiness is, is highly debatable.
So..trying to ‘save’ people who have consciously chosen sex work as their path of happiness is a silly and demaening thing to do.
I even dare to say it’s an insult towards other human beings’ intelligence.

Not too long ago I had contact with very professional high class escort agency.
I was so happy to be one of ‘the chosen ones’.
Especially because they selected their escort models differently. You didn’t have to be exceptionally beautiful (according to society’s standards) but you had to have a certain ‘presence’ and certainly, to be committed.
Month of month I’ve been an expert in deluding myself into thinking I really wanted this and that I was truly ‘fit’ for the job.
But the more I looked forward, the more I hesitated.
Why did I cause suffering to myself in such way…? Not because it’s sex work, but because I felt I was lying constantly. Big lies I can tell myself, I realize now. But my inner self has always known it’s a LIE. Is it so for all sex workers? Definitely not.
There are woman who are committed and devoted to their job. They commit themselves, no matter what society is telling, acting and thinking. This demands enormous psycological strenght. And for that reason, I greatly admire them.
So this evening I sent my manager an e-mail trying to explain my decision.
Of course he will not react in an understanding way. The agency works extremely professional, and having signed a contract already will maybe have some very negative consequences towards me. Yes, it will be a negative consequence.
But experiencing a negative consequence because of breach of contract will cause less damage than setting myself up for a life that is negative consequence as a whole.

If you find my post boring, so be it. But it would be wonderful if you would take the effort to listen to this video:

Sadhguru – Isha Foundation- Sex, sexuality and Divine

Life beyond the Intellect.

Life…The source of everything. 
We don’t live a life. We Are Life. 
Our Life is the Source,
Our thoughts, emotions and behavior are the outcome. 
Like water, they create, shape and destroy.

For a very long time I thought Life was the Water.
Thoughts, emotions, behaviour…
Not realizing they are the outcomes of the Source.
And Means to find back the Source.
If one is willing. 

The water is unpredictable.
I thought life was the water.
As I let myself being carried by the water,
I felt hopeless when I couldn’t swim,
Not realizing Life is the Source,
Undisturbed by any influence of the Water.

The water is there, 
The source is peaceful. 

There is no water without The Source.
The Source can exist without the water.
Water cannot exist without the Source.
The Source is not disturbed by it.
It exists. As Life exists.
I am a piece of Life.
Therefor I know the greatest Peace is the Source,
not the Water. 

Water is an Outcome.
A means to recognize Life, to trace it back.
When we’re willing to trace back.
We will find the Source of Peace. 

I wrote this text while being on a spiritual journey.
And I still am.
I am a Seeker. People Are Seekers.
I only wished that people would recognize that they are…
One of the people that lightened the Spark is Indian Mystic and Yogi Sadhguru.

Yet, there is another situation where I experience Life itself.
Years ago I went to Varanasy.
At one point, very briefly, I felt Life coming together.
I started to cry, feeling humble as I’m only human.
And Powerful as a Piece of Life.