Combining those two factors is still difficult for me I’ve noticed through the years.
Even though having fun, I’ve had a lot of sex without having a deep emotional connection, and I experienced great intimacy without having sex.
But when those two are coming together…?
No, that when you reach my fragility.
I’ve been thinking about this lately, and maybe it has to do with some sort of attachment disorder. It’s almost funny to feel how my mind is precluding this combination.
As I had said in a previous post, I experienced this uneasiness while being touched by A.
Somehow he ‘penetrated’ me, in an emotional way, as a gentle intruder, searching for depths I didn’t even know I had.
There have been moments I suddenly started to cry because the intense stimulation in my soul.
Then he would look at my face and say with countenance: “It’s okay.”
Our meetings had become very intense at last, but somehow…I think it’s good our connection didn’t last.
Every next time we saw each other, our actions would lean more and more against ‘the deed’.
Physically, I experienced great pleasure, but emotionally I was in two minds.
‘I like it.’ but ‘it feels wrong.’
I just know that, even if he didn’t break contact and he didn’t know I’ve been a prostitute, our connection would have become too intense and too difficult.
How should we have behaved after the deed? I don’t know.
And if I would meet him again? I would probably turn my head.
Not because I hate him (I’m over that), but because I wouldn’t know how to react.
Anyway, enough about A.
Recently, I came to know a young guy. He seems to be quite nice.
But I’m still careful, for I’m not used to get know somebody ‘the normal way’.
By ‘the normal way’ I mean: Dating, taking about each other’s life, meeting the parents…
So weird…maybe I’m just not at all attracted to him, but I don’t see him becoming a sexual lover.
Intimacy…yes, caring for each other, yes. Cooking dinner and being a good wife (I know this sounds old-fashioned) But sex…not immediately.
And I’m quite sure this disconnection (or better said: the connection I’ve never learnt to make) is a factor that has played an important role in taking unusual decisions (by which I don’t mean to say it’s the direct cause).
Having erotic and sexual experiences, ‘playing’ with men and to see how far I can get them, prostitution…all without feeling a deep connection.
And most important:
My lack of inner comprehension towards people who can’t separate sex and intimacy.
Yes, I know how strange this sounds towards a lot of readers, but how many times haven’t I caught myself thinking: ‘JC, is it so difficult for you to disconnect those things?’ Yeah, not the most empathic attitude, I know.
Most of the time it happened when I was in company of people who so badly wanted sex yet wanted to wait for their ‘true love’. I just couldn’t commiserate over their feelings.
I sometimes wonder: Was I really ‘damaged’ long ago? Is it bad? Or is it just me?
Had my parents better raised me strict? And would it have helped? Or is there nothing wrong, am I just different in that way?
I wonder… is there someone who has/had the same feelings towards intimacy and sex? you’re free to share it (or not).