Sensuality….A Curse?

In my case…? Definitely.
In a world where this very important element is only acceptable in ‘the right context’.
First of all, how to I define ‘sensuality’?
To me it’s the complete realm of activities that include erotic tension and excitement. It can be sex, massages, erotic literature, visual stuff, clothing, even food…etc….
you name it.

Songs and poems and movies, they all include the subject, for it is something that cannot be comprehended easily. Every person differs, and every person has different needs and desires.
To me, it’s a cry coming from the soul. It’s like a story that only our bodies can tell, not our words, for they faint in presence of sensuality.
A beautiful blessing that’s given to humanity, yet so despised and often judged in an atmosphere of negativity. A sensual woman is too often deemed as promiscuous, and even ‘unstable’.
A woman who indulges her sensual pleasure needs that to boast her self-esteem, because she doesn’t have one herself. God…I really hate that generally accepted association between self-respect and sex. But I’m planning to write down my view later on.
I think it’s a mere social construct, something that’s created to degrade certain women, like me (or like you).
My own sensuality will certainly be deemed by a large majority as ‘wrong’, for the very reason I’ve explored mine in ‘the wrong context’. And to be frank, I’ve never explored it in a relationship with a man, the so-called ‘right’ context.
My very first ‘boyfriend’ never gave me any chance to open up, in a sphere of trust and eroticism.
To keep it short: his behavior in bed was deplorable, plus, he was a true egoist. I will even say more. The majority of my clients treated me better in bed than he ever did.
I strongly conjecture he must have learned his ‘skills’ from watching porn, although he has always denied he watched it. He fucked, that was all he did.
What’s worse, he believed he was good in bed, and I didn’t know better because I never had sex before.
After the relationship had ended, I wanted to explore my own sensuality, but NOT in a relationship.
I was way too disappointed.

A year later I met A. He had been a great blessing to me, before he broke contact.
Up to now I’ve never known a man who was such a good lover, physically speaking.
But then again, our encounters would have been deemed ‘wrong’, for he is about thirty years my senior. Through our meetings I discovered a level of sensuality and eroticism I had never experienced before.
During our last meeting he said our activities were ‘more enjoyable than sex’, which I felt was true. My bodily enjoyment with him was way more exciting than with all other men I’ve met through my (still short) life.
But unfortunately our relationship couldn’t last.

And here I bump into another problem….my tender age.
With all the experiences I’ve gained, I’ve become very demanding.
How will I find my needs fulfilled in company of a young brat?
This may sound arrogant, but I’ve always sort of ‘looked down’ on them.
I know my stance is unjust, but I still feel that way.
If I’m going to take on my quest with this young guy with Asperger’s, it will be me who leads the game, not him. He has no experience at all. He had once ‘tried’ to have sex, but turned out to be a disaster, as he described the experience himself.
I’m eager to try something new of course, but what will I receive in return?
I know I cannot expect a lot, for I know of some traits of his ‘condition’.
My youngest erotic partner I ever had is seven years older than me.
Ironically, he asked me if he was not too old for me
(My goodness, you’re my youngest client’, I thought).
He had little idea of how to please me.

Another ‘wrong context’ is that of sensuality between a young woman and an older man.
Sensuality between a young woman and an older man is seen as something filthy.
Of course, a man in his forties’ and fifties’ is evidently not that handsome as he had been in his twenties’.
But age is of very little importance to me. I never found these men filthy or creepy or something like that. How often do I hear ‘Iiieww, that man dates a much younger woman!’…such a pervert, such a pedophile.
And then I think: Why is their intimate relationship so pervert to you? If a man wants to enjoy this woman’s body and she agrees, then what’s the problem? Apparently, there is a huge problem. The problem of inappropriateness.
Maybe it’s a belief I’ve internalized, that the appreciation of a man several years my senior is of more importance to me, then that from a young man. I’ve to admit. I’m vain. It’s the subliminal ‘knowledge’ that this man is probably more experienced, plus, he has seen more women than his younger version.
Which could imply he has a more ‘sophisticated’ appreciation of women.
It’s only hypothetical but nagging belief on mine.
Another field I want to explore, is that of BDSM. ,
I’m not that familiar with the practice, yet
Up to now, it’s only been a fantasy of mine. But yes, I think I’ll explore it.
But first, I have to find myself a good teacher of course.

Sensuality,
I can’t imagine a life without it. It would drive me crazy, I know for sure.

A beautiful quote from Jean Shinoda Bolen on ‘Aphrodite’:

Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love and Beauty
is in a third category all her own as the alchemical goddess.
She is the most beautiful and irresistible of the goddesses
She generates love and beauty, erotic attraction, sensuality, sexuality, and new life.
She enters relationships of her own choosing and is never victimized.
Her consciousness is both focused and receptive,
Allowing a two-way interchange through which both she and the other are affected.

 

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