Today another biographical bit.
Another event ( or better said period) that definitely laid foundation of the person I’ve become is depression.
Not just the dumps, but a big, fat depression.
I’m lucky to say I’m not in that condition anymore.
It came over me when I was about 15 years old. (when all my problems started to happen*)
Well, it actually had been lingering before my nervous breakdown.
But you can imagine as a teenager, I wasn’t at all eager to seek help.
So I felt myself fading, little by little.
Very strange, I felt my feelings of happiness and sadness being sucked out of me.
Just as if I had had an unfortunate encounter with Dementors (you know, these creepy creatures from the Harry-Potter series).
I became totally apathetic and egocentric as hell.
What the hell did I care about someone else’s pain and sorrows? Nothing.
I didn’t care if someone else was worried about me, and that I caused pain to the people who loved me, by totally locking myself, not available to the external world.
It was as if I lived in the movies of my surroundings. I lived in ‘my surroundings’, but at the same time I was completely dissociated from it.
Other people were like the characters you see on the screen, objects you see, but to whom you cannot connect with.
I didn’t laugh but neither cry.
How many times did I hope for a terrible accident, or someone who would abduct me and then kill me, or that very bad illness would took over me, so that I could die, in peace?
Well, as you guess, my self-esteem was non-existent.
How did I make this end?
It sounds strange, but up to now I still can’t define the ’cause’ of my way to cure.
Suddenly I saw the light. (admittedly with the help of this strange but kind psychiatrist).
I thought; ‘Jeeeez, if you continue to live like this, it’s better to try another attempt to suicide! A plant displays more life then you have done this last three (yes three of them) years.
At the adult age of 18 I decided to live.
Not just to be alive, but to LIVE!
I decided that I wanted to experience life, to face its best and worst facets.
Yes, I must admit, I’ve made a lot of mistakes since then, impulsive decisions.
But…I highly doubt I will ever have regret.
I have regret because I lied to my parents, because I’ve hurt people (un)intentionally.
But the experiences I will have hunted for by then?
I don’t know if I will ever regret them. Maybe I will think differently, but this is my current attitude towards life.
I want to sense, I want to hear, I want to be overwhelmed by luck I will not have expected it to be there.
I have no idea what my life will be like within five or more years (who knows anyway). A person must make sacrifices.
A person experiences smaller and greater losses.
One cannot have everything.
I’m aware of the difficult decision I will have to make concerning having children.
I always wanted to be a mother, although…I’m not sure if it will be my decision within a few years, simply because of the stigma I’m stuck with.
But still, I’ll try to live on.