A sense of spirituality….a musing

My soul

it longs to find a deeper meaning
A meaning of beauty
A meaning of pleasure, but the durable sort.
Pleasure that comes from the soul
not only from the body,
Although that being a great means to it.

Spirituality that comes to the body
having its foundation in the mind
and at the same time originating from
the body

I feel empty
left with nothing
But the pressure
to succeed, to gain, to possess

But what do I gain, after all
If I can’t even gain a deeper sense of me,
a deeper sense of my existence?
A beauty that has no limits,
whatever people say
The possibility
To see beauty in others
even when they’re not seeing it?

Spiritual is the person,
who sees beauty in life itself
not in its requirements.

Representation of clients

The servant of the villain….
(not the villain himself, for he most often considers himself ‘too decent’)
Having no respect for women in general…
Sniffing coke…
Having connections with some criminal organizations…
Gang members, members of the mafia…
Human traffickers…
Wife beaters…
And I don’t doubt that you, my dear readers, can add some other sweet idea’s.

Well, not the most glorifying list of common images we see in the media, isn’t it?
From my point of view, of being an (ex-)sex worker, I’ve elaborately talked about the representation of prostitutes, but not about that from the clients.

I suppose that the way I advertised myself had an effect on which people I attracted.
Most of them were carefully dressed and smelled of a touch of aftershave.
I was happily surprised by my general finding
that none of them were as ‘bad’ as I had imagined before.
Fat, a bit smelly, more on the ugly side, yes, that’s the image I had before.
Talking about appearance only; as far as I can remember, there wasn’t a client I would call downright ‘ugly’.
And smelly? Well, I let them shower in my company, so that wasn’t a problem either.
Ok, most of them weren’t very handsome either, but ugly?
Of course, a man of 50 isn’t that handsome anymore as he was in his 30’s, but hey, one has to take into account the age of the guy.
Some gentlemen have the luck to look charming and ‘distinguished’, even at an advanced age.
This being said, I move over the broader stereotypical ‘concept’ of ‘punter=client’.
The authorities and the media send out this stereotypical image of the ugly and disrespectful client and the prostitute who’s clearly disgusted by him.
Fortunately, I can praise myself happy I never felt disgusted.
But I can understand other sex workers do feel that way.
I’m a bit ‘odd’ when it comes to sex, after all.
But even considering this, I realized that the media sends out an overtly narrow representation of the clients.

I don’t doubt that some men can be real pigs.
It is my believe that as a sex worker, we run a greater risk to meet a disrespectful man and therefore, to be abused, simply because we see a larger number of different men, so that means that there is a real chance, unfortunately.
But then again, people assume that because they hear creepy stories about clients who mistreating prostitutes, all clients ‘will probably be that way.’
I think this an illustration of rather belittling view on clients AND on prostitutes.
From this point of view, it’s easy to understand why people have implemented the idea that prostitutes must be desperate and addicted, because ‘who the hell wants to be abused for money, only the sick, addicted, and desperate I suppose?’
I’m trying to fight against this prejudice, because, who the hell wants to be abused in exchange of money? I never met someone in my whole life who wants to be abused. (Oh, leave out BDSM: good BDSM is not at all about abuse!)
As a sex worker, I permitted my clients to have with me, not to abuse me.
Well, what was allowed and what not, I wrote down very clearly on my website (most men want clearness, so I gave it to them).
In this case I made the distinction between assault and having sex very clear.
So, as long as the particular man doesn’t cross them, why should I think of him as filthy and disrespectful?

Another claim is that prostitution is ‘paid rape’.
This is a very dangerous assumption, because in my eyes,  that means seeing prostitutes as women (or men) who ‘asked for it’, rather than people who provide a service.
And the clients? Well, they are automatically rapists, bad, bad, bad men!
Yes, some men are rapists, just as some other ‘non-clients’.
And as I said at the beginning, we have more ‘chance’ to meet such ill-mannered brutes. 😦
Unfortunately the public opinion isn’t very eager to make the distinction between ‘paid rape’ and ‘paid sex’.
In places where prostitution is illegal, the punter gets arrested for enjoying the service of a sex worker, and therefore ‘raped the prostitute’.
I’m saying this very over-simplified, but I think this is the thought decision-makers and campaigners want to implement in people’s minds.
That prostitution is paid rape, and that therefore, the prostitutes are probably desperate, sick, and addicted women, who even let abuse themselves for the money, while the punters are just as sick and perverted.
And that no ‘sane’ man will ever pay a prostitute.

Again, I can only speak from my personal observation, and except for one guy, there has never been a client who was disrespectful towards me.
Okay, some people keep insisting prostitution is paid rape per definition.
But what is paid rape in my case then? A man caressing my back, observing my body, massaging my feet, making me moan from pleasure?
Sorry, doesn’t feel like rape to me, more like adoration.

Another important possible consequence of criminalizing prositutes and clients is that men who really don’t get their needs satisfied, will look for it at all the wrong places.
I don’t talk about sexual assault immediately, but also about the (rather negative) influence of porn.
Plus, a person who is deprived of sexual pleasure, can easily fall prey to an abusive partner. (Oh yes, and this people DO NEED sex.)
A female partner has the same ‘potential’ to be abusive, and getting away with it, most of the time.
It’s not too difficult to see how many people struggle with finding a fulfilling (sexual) relationship, or even a prosperous date.
We (men and women) are all expected to know how to find a (sexual) partner, and to ultimately find him/her.
How many times didn’t I read on forums:
“Dude, go find yourself a girl the normal way!”
This exclamation is already accusatory, even though the other person has no real idea of the reasons why the other man would go to a prostitute.
If the guy wants to get laid, and the woman gives explicit consent, what’s wrong with that?
This raises another question…. To what extent does she have a free choice?…
But I’m going to talk about that later, for my post will become too elaborate and boring.

Hope you enjoy.

Humility, a value long gone?

Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.
– C.S. Lewis –

I think this is a very beautiful quote.
Very short, but saying a lot.

Humility is not a celebrated value these days.
Indeed, humility suffers from a very bad reputation,
certainly in those area’s where people are ultra liberal and competitive.
One who does show himself humble, is too often looked down upon.
Humbleness is too often confused with being shy, and lacking assertiveness.
As the quote says, I don’t believe in humility in that way. At least, not anymore.

I’ll tell you an anecdote:
Few years ago, I went to Varanasi with a group of people.
Of course, we went to visit the Ganges, the holy River.
In the afternoon several cremations took place.
Outsiders weren’t allowed normally.
Access to the cremations was granted to us because of the very good contact our guide had with the locals.
It must have been extremely disrespect full to these people, that we could walk past the burning bodies.
I found is a very intriguing scene.
Not the thing one wants to watch every day, but still, it kept fascinating me.
Most people wanted to leave that place, as soon as possible, far away from the bodies.
I must admit, the close view of those burning bodies, wasn’t the most pleasant.
But after the visit, I turned around to take another look from afar.
This point of view added a new dimension to the cremation.
An awareness came over me.
A peaceful awareness, a feeling of relativity.
A, to me, genuine feeling of humility.
That one has to realize one isn’t the centre of the world, not even of his surroundings.
That life goes on, with or without you. You are life.
That death can have something beautiful, instead of only seeing ugliness.
Feelings of humility and beautify overwhelmed me.
I wanted to cry, not from pain and sorrow, but because this feeling was so very strong.
I never had this sort of feelings coming over me. It was like a revelation.
Some people mistook my facial expressions for me being unhappy and weary.
They said something like: ‘I understand you want to leave. This is not the happiest place.’ But I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay and to come to my senses.
But finally, we had to go.

This event has changed my view on life significantly.
I more often caught myself being egocentric afterwards.
But at least I’m aware of it now.
Now I can say: ‘I’m being egocentric again, but I must realize the world doesn’t revolve around me.’
While before, thinking about myself was a very important thing in my life.
I’m happy that has changed now.
My humility doesn’t come from my lack of self-esteem or assertiveness anymore.
My humbleness comes from a feeling of not being the centre of my own universe , but from positioning myself as the quiet and keen observer, and to open up to a world that hasn’t had the possibility to reach my spirit yet.


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Self-respect: What does it mean?

The fact that this idea is mostly linked to sex, already implies it’s a social construct.
It’s made up by society. Period.
Self-respect: I keep having trouble with the definition.
The Internet spreads dubious definitions all over the place.
This seemed a suitable description:

“The person with self-respect simply likes her- or himself. This self-respect is not contingent on success because there are always failures to contend with. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with others because there is always someone better. These are tactics usually employed to increase self-esteem. Self-respect, however, is a given. We simply like ourselves or we don’t. With self-respect, we like ourselves because of who we are and not because of what we can or cannot do.”*

This one is quite similar.
“Self respect is not about what we do, but who we are. It is about being able to stand tall and feel proud of and for ourselves just because we exist. It is about loving ourselves for ourselves – just because we are.  The person with self-respect simply likes her- or himself. This self-respect is not based on success because there are always failures to contend with. Neither is it a result of comparing ourselves with others because there is always someone better. These are tactics usually employed to increase self-esteem. Self-respect, however, is a given. We simply like ourselves or we don’t.”**

Is self-respect about liking ourselves?
So, it’s NOT a social construct then?
Well, then I suppose the notion of self-respect is used to effectively tear people down. Even though it wasn’t meant to.
To be frank, I like myself.
I never disliked myself, even not during my depression.
Odd, isn’t it?
My depression came from not being able to address my pains and problems, not because I disliked myself.
And my other ventures happened because one, I was curious, or two, because I wanted to find an activity to focus myself on, and to escape from ‘the cruel, misunderstanding world.’
f.ex. My cutting problem started from the moment I tried it, just to observe how it feels. But difficult times had yet to come, so then, my cutting turned into an act of escapism. But never a thought of not liking myself came to mind.

Plus, if self-respect is not based on the things we do, but on who we are, why all the bragging about self-respect in relation to sex/sex work?
One has it, or one hasn’t.
People have been trying to implant to wrong idea of self-respect on me.
They’ve always said to me self-respect is how you behave, and about the things you do.
Also, self-respect is also more often used when talking to/about women, than it is used to men. Never noticed that? Most of the time associated with sexuality.
One is more likely to say from a girl/woman she has no self-respect, when she does something inappropriate, while a boy/man is seen as a naughty/bad individual.

This post actually isn’t finished yet. But again, I’d love to have some interaction with you.
I’m curious about your stance.

Sensuality….A Curse?

In my case…? Definitely.
In a world where this very important element is only acceptable in ‘the right context’.
First of all, how to I define ‘sensuality’?
To me it’s the complete realm of activities that include erotic tension and excitement. It can be sex, massages, erotic literature, visual stuff, clothing, even food…etc….
you name it.

Songs and poems and movies, they all include the subject, for it is something that cannot be comprehended easily. Every person differs, and every person has different needs and desires.
To me, it’s a cry coming from the soul. It’s like a story that only our bodies can tell, not our words, for they faint in presence of sensuality.
A beautiful blessing that’s given to humanity, yet so despised and often judged in an atmosphere of negativity. A sensual woman is too often deemed as promiscuous, and even ‘unstable’.
A woman who indulges her sensual pleasure needs that to boast her self-esteem, because she doesn’t have one herself. God…I really hate that generally accepted association between self-respect and sex. But I’m planning to write down my view later on.
I think it’s a mere social construct, something that’s created to degrade certain women, like me (or like you).
My own sensuality will certainly be deemed by a large majority as ‘wrong’, for the very reason I’ve explored mine in ‘the wrong context’. And to be frank, I’ve never explored it in a relationship with a man, the so-called ‘right’ context.
My very first ‘boyfriend’ never gave me any chance to open up, in a sphere of trust and eroticism.
To keep it short: his behavior in bed was deplorable, plus, he was a true egoist. I will even say more. The majority of my clients treated me better in bed than he ever did.
I strongly conjecture he must have learned his ‘skills’ from watching porn, although he has always denied he watched it. He fucked, that was all he did.
What’s worse, he believed he was good in bed, and I didn’t know better because I never had sex before.
After the relationship had ended, I wanted to explore my own sensuality, but NOT in a relationship.
I was way too disappointed.

A year later I met A. He had been a great blessing to me, before he broke contact.
Up to now I’ve never known a man who was such a good lover, physically speaking.
But then again, our encounters would have been deemed ‘wrong’, for he is about thirty years my senior. Through our meetings I discovered a level of sensuality and eroticism I had never experienced before.
During our last meeting he said our activities were ‘more enjoyable than sex’, which I felt was true. My bodily enjoyment with him was way more exciting than with all other men I’ve met through my (still short) life.
But unfortunately our relationship couldn’t last.

And here I bump into another problem….my tender age.
With all the experiences I’ve gained, I’ve become very demanding.
How will I find my needs fulfilled in company of a young brat?
This may sound arrogant, but I’ve always sort of ‘looked down’ on them.
I know my stance is unjust, but I still feel that way.
If I’m going to take on my quest with this young guy with Asperger’s, it will be me who leads the game, not him. He has no experience at all. He had once ‘tried’ to have sex, but turned out to be a disaster, as he described the experience himself.
I’m eager to try something new of course, but what will I receive in return?
I know I cannot expect a lot, for I know of some traits of his ‘condition’.
My youngest erotic partner I ever had is seven years older than me.
Ironically, he asked me if he was not too old for me
(My goodness, you’re my youngest client’, I thought).
He had little idea of how to please me.

Another ‘wrong context’ is that of sensuality between a young woman and an older man.
Sensuality between a young woman and an older man is seen as something filthy.
Of course, a man in his forties’ and fifties’ is evidently not that handsome as he had been in his twenties’.
But age is of very little importance to me. I never found these men filthy or creepy or something like that. How often do I hear ‘Iiieww, that man dates a much younger woman!’…such a pervert, such a pedophile.
And then I think: Why is their intimate relationship so pervert to you? If a man wants to enjoy this woman’s body and she agrees, then what’s the problem? Apparently, there is a huge problem. The problem of inappropriateness.
Maybe it’s a belief I’ve internalized, that the appreciation of a man several years my senior is of more importance to me, then that from a young man. I’ve to admit. I’m vain. It’s the subliminal ‘knowledge’ that this man is probably more experienced, plus, he has seen more women than his younger version.
Which could imply he has a more ‘sophisticated’ appreciation of women.
It’s only hypothetical but nagging belief on mine.
Another field I want to explore, is that of BDSM. ,
I’m not that familiar with the practice, yet
Up to now, it’s only been a fantasy of mine. But yes, I think I’ll explore it.
But first, I have to find myself a good teacher of course.

I can’t imagine a life without it. It would drive me crazy, I know for sure.

A beautiful quote from Jean Shinoda Bolen on ‘Aphrodite’:

Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love and Beauty
is in a third category all her own as the alchemical goddess.
She is the most beautiful and irresistible of the goddesses
She generates love and beauty, erotic attraction, sensuality, sexuality, and new life.
She enters relationships of her own choosing and is never victimized.
Her consciousness is both focused and receptive,
Allowing a two-way interchange through which both she and the other are affected.


Announcement: I quit

Yes, dear readers,

You read it well.
I want to quit prostitution.
Today I removed all my ads and website.
Well, I’m not sure if that means I will quit forever,
But right now, I quit.
Well hmm, what am I going to write then, on this blog?
I think you don’t have to be too disappointed, for my mind is a never-ending tornado of thoughts, that I need to write down, most of the time, otherwise my thoughts will definitely overwhelm me.
(Which is why I’m also prone to depression I think).
Now I’m thinking: ‘Why did I tell A. for God’s sake? Our friendship would have continued if you hadn’t tell him.’
On the other side…
I think I’m ready to open up to a new (sensual) quest.
About a month ago, a young man contacted me.
He could have been a potential client.
But he’s a special case.
He has Aspergers. He’s a high-functional ‘Aspie’, as many folks would call him.
And he is not at all asexual.
He sent me an e-mail this week , expressing his desperation.
He is very interested in women and sex and fantasizes a lot.
But his desires are killing him. I could almost hear him being clearly frustrated.
There is actually one problem….physical touching, which is a problem to many people with Asperger’s (from what I gathered from the Internet and Forums).
He wants to experience sex and eroticism, but has clearly no idea how to approach the subject…and women.

I see it as an opportunity.
Maybe it’ll work out, maybe not.
In the best case I can relieve him a bit from is sexual frustrations.
And the worst thing could be that he won’t accept me at all.
He also has severe trust issues, which is not uncommon among people with that ‘condition’, as for as my knowledge goes.
And trust, physical just as emotional trust, needs time to build up.
I realize it can become difficult to explore sexuality with someone with a very different neurological make-up, but that’s what makes it exciting, isn’t it?

Evidently, I will continue to write about sex and sexual fantasies.
Erotic stories is a field I didn’t explore sufficiently yet, but I will certainly do in the future.
Oh yes….and poems….
It’s time to expand my literary horizon, my dear readers! 🙂

This (definite?) break will also give the opportunity to get my thoughts together.
I’m planning to educate myself to receive greater (intellectual) knowledge about eroticism and…..myself, which is urgently needed, I realize now.


Poem: The mirror of our soul

Her face
hides behind a veil of
secrecy and mystery
Her eyes will always smile
her world looks seemingly untroubled
But deep inside she has changed,
once and for all
Her eyes were like a mirror
even though it’s broken now.
once, this mirror was
clear and untouched
Now now it’s cracked
It will be difficult
to perceive a truthful  reflection
But with some difficulty
and showing patience
You will see through
A new image will be gathered
But you will have to accept it
otherwise she will for always remain
a riddle