My mother’s reaction

Dear readers,

Some people are maybe interested in my coming-out process, so I’ll tell you a bit.

These are common questions you find on the internet:
What if your mother find out you’re a sex worker?
What should I do; don’t tell her, and hope she won’t discover it, ever?
What would be her reaction? Crying, yelling, kicking me out, stop loving me?
In my case, those questions are answered already, fortunately

First of all, my mother knew before I wasn’t the saint I seemed to be to the outside world.
She caught me watching porn at 14, she knew of my affair with this first ‘boyfriend’ (who actually could be my dad, regarding his age) , she knew about my penchant for watching naked women, etc….
Although I never considered that as bad things.

Still these experiences must have had an effect on the reaction of my mother.
To say so, I can hide everything from almost everybody….But not from my mom.
She can detect all my worries and problems from a distance.
She can judge my mood by the way I walk, how my face looks and the clothes I wear….
It’s just an impossible task to hide things from her.
Plus, during the years, my unfortunate attempts to keep things secret diminished.
I didn’t want her to find this out of course, but I knew she was going to discover it, sooner, or later.

It went something like this:
So there was this day with my mother, at home, in the kitchen.
It was painfully silent, and we were both eating, without looking at eachother.
‘She knows,’ I thought.
And I was right.
After a tantalizing silence, she suddenly asked: ‘Sayuri, are you in prostitution?’
Me:”No……”
She: “Are you sure?”
Me: “……No…….”
She: “So that means you do actually prostitute yourself?”
me: “Hmmm…..Yes…?”
She: ….Pffft……..I could have known it.
All these beautiful clothes you bought lately.
And you were saying you had no money…”
Me, hesitant: “That’s why I’m in prostitution…(gulping)
She: “I absolutely don’t like this, Sayuri…. I’m disappointed.”
Me: “….silence…..”
Me: “Are you angry….(I expected a very loud ‘YESSS’)
She: “No, I’m not angry, it makes no sense, being angry at you, it simply doesn’t affect you (but it did, actually).
Me: “So, what are you going to do know?”
She:” I’ll try my best to talk you out of this…profession.”
Me: I thought you were going to throw me out…
She: “Why should I do that? I’ll throw you to the wolves, if I did that.”
Me: “Thanks…”
She: “No thanks. You know you can always come to me.” (sighed)
Me: “Thanks”

We didn’t talk about it anymore that day, but there are times my mom tries to gauge my activities and feelings.
Then she says: “Are you still in it? Do you take care for yourself?”
And my answer is mostly blurred. I do take care for myself, but I’m still in ‘it’, and I’m hesitant to answer an articulate ‘yes’.

Then I went to my sister, who accidentally discovered the news before.
She said: “I had thrown you out.”
I gasped.
I wasn’t shocked by the reaction per se, because I had expected this reaction. But why did SHE said that.
She isn’t a saint either. She had done some not-so-smart-things in the past. I was a bit disappointed in her.
Me: “Why. What would you accomplish with that?”
She: “You’re lucky our mom is so nice to you. If it were me, I had certainly thrown you out.”
Honestly, I was a bit confused. Not because of the reaction, but I found her a bit hypocritical.
If she were me, didn’t she hope for a ‘humane’ treatment?
And she did some very impulsive things in the past, so it’s not that she’s ‘better’ in a way.
Besides, I don’t think throwing your kids out because they did something morally wrong, is a good solution. Except in some cases, when children are abusive towards their parents. Then it’s better to separate.

Although (hopefully) she doesn’t read this, I’m very thankful for her being my mother.
From the very beginning she told me: “Whatever  stupid or crazy things you’ll do in the future, I’ll never give you up. My dad and I are still your home”.
Well, that’s a great example of an Unconditional Positive Regard*
NO ONE can blame my parents for bad parenting.
They’ve done everything they could to keep me from danger and socially unacceptable activities. And they didn’t succeed in that.
But that doesn’t mean they’re bad parents.
What does ‘bad parenting’ mean anyway. Every parent who genuinely loves his/her child has the potential to be a good parent.
I’ll never call them ‘failed’ parents.
They taught me universally humane values, like having respect for others, not abuse others, help people in need, always being kind, treat others as you want to be treated, don’t just reject people etc….
I can say… I’m proud at my parents, both of them!
In an ever-changing world full of divorces, they figure as an oasis of peace and love…..

*A term coming from Carl Rogers, a humanist psychologist.

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