The choice of becoming a prostitute is the result of certain feelings we have, certain experience we’ve gone through, and certain people we’ve met.
That doesn’t always imply negativity.
In my case, there have been negative and positive events in my life, that influenced me in taking my decision.
And one, not so positive event, is the relationship with a former ‘boyfriend’.
Yes, I’m talking about a ‘boyfriend’, because I’ve never experienced real love for a man. I only fell in love with the sex.
And that’s where the story begins.
I was a cute, horny 16-years old teenage girl. And I started to notice everyone had a boyfriend, and everyone was having sex (a false assumption of course).
And I started to feel desperate.
So I went looking for someone in place you should NEVER look for a boyfriend, or a lover, the Internet.
Eventually, someone was interested in me.
Mind that he was Indian, was raised Indian, and that he was born in the same city where they have found me (I don’t even know if I’m really born there).
So I was immediately interested.
Plus, he was a fair-skinned Indian man who liked dark-skinned Indian women ( he genuinely did, because his former wife were dark too.) I was happily surprised, because I thought Indian men were only attracted to fair-skinned women.
(I didn’t know about the fair-skin craze, until I started watching Bollywood movies)
Imagine, I felt quite ‘chosen’.
Finally we met. We met a few times in public places, such as restaurants……
And then we had sex. It was my first time, and it was very painful!.
He didn’t even mind giving me a foreplay…. 😦
I felt sore after the sex, and the next day, I felt my intimate parts burning!
I tought: ‘I never going to have sex again!
But then we met a second time.
And the sex was heavenly. I screamed and groaned from pleasure.
I started longing for more….sex.
Yes, purely sex, not his intimacy.
One, because he wasn’t that intimate, and two…. I eventually didn’t like him.
His negative characteristics outweighed the positive.
Negative, because he had no knowledge about women, was narcissistic and self-centered. And he was always bragging about his money.
Positive, because he was a caring and loving father to his young son.
Oh yes, and there was another problem.
He was way older than me, so we didn’t have a lot of chance to see eachother.
I always had to sneak out, and lie to my parents, to be with him.
And he never understood why it made me upset, all the lying.
He thought it was self-evident, that I suited myself to his wishes.
I realized way too late I didn’t love him, and that I only loved to have sex, and to feel some caressing.
And that makes one vulnerable, if one can’t get pleasure from other sources (except from porn).
So it happened we kept seeing eachother, and things became worse.
Unfortunately, he didn’t want to use a condom ( he only used it during the first time sex), because ‘he loved me and I could trust him’.
But at the same time he bragged about all these women he slept with…without protection.
I worried about my health and his, so I asked if he wasn’t worried getting a disease.
He replied: ‘I did an Aids-test once (probably years ago), and I only fuck fresh girls.’
I worried about my health, and I started to feel contempt. He disgusted me.
And still… I kept seeing him, because of the sex.
And after a while, I didn’t find it satisfactory, anymore.
But what kept me from leaving him?
My need to feel desired, my conviction that he possibly loved me, his caring behaviour towards his son?
Anyway, I was stupid and foolish.
Besides, he started accusing me of being cruel and cold, and that I slept with other boys. He was extremely paranoid and jealous.
We often had these fights through online chatting, because we didn’t see eachother a lot.
And being angry + chatting= very bad outcome.
Through mail you can say things that are utterly cruel and offensive, because you don’t have to look in the eyes. And I wasn’t the most well-behaved person, either.
I was good in fighting with words. The problem is, you hurt eachother more than you want to.
And yet… we kept seeing each other.
And we had sex…. again. There was no eroticism left, just sex.
I didn’t enjoy it.
During our last meeting, I cried, out of misery.
Because I hurt my parents so much (I totally lost their trust), and the man laying next to me didn’t understand me at all.
But…. I didn’t think he was a bad person per se.
He loved his son, and he must have loved his former wife too, for he spoke about her with respect.
On the other hand,
He didn’t have knowledge about women and women’s sexuality, even though he was twice as old as me. He didn’t understand why I didn’t subject to his will.
He didn’t understand what was wrong with his way of living.
So, during our last meeting I cried big. My whole body was shaking.
He asked me why, but I didn’t want to answer. I just wanted to cry.
He said: ‘You don’t love me anymore, isn’t it?’
And that was true, actually I never really loved him.
But I didn’t answer, I just cried. I wanted to go home….
Two days later, I decided to break all contact, through mail.
I know, this isn’t the best way. But that was the only way possible.
He lived far from me, so I couldn’t just go there, and tell him it’s all over.
So, I decided to send a very honest and decent e-mail, explaining all my feelings, and why I want to break up…
His reactions were abominable.
While I tried hard to explain my feelings and expressing my honesty,
he didn’t try to understand me.
On the contrary, he started ‘yelling’ through mail.
He accused my of being cruel, being a liar, being cold… And being a filthy whore.
And I replied, expecting he wouldn’t believe me anyway, how hard I tried to make him believe differently: ‘Yes, I am. And I’ rather want to be every man’s whore, than your girlfriend.’
Relationship was finished, after two years.
This whole story may sound abusive to, but it isn’t per definition.
-This man was socially awkward towards women.
-He was paranoid and jealous, because of his low self-esteem ( I’m sure he had)
-I didn’t love him, but he was convinced I did. I ‘used’ him for sex, to be frank.
-I should have been more honest with him. Like that, things wouldn’t have turned out so badly between us.
-The ‘abuse’ came from two directions; yes, I had my share too.
Whether this relationship concluded love or not, it eventually effected me.
I lost my image of a romantic relationship.
I don’t believe it when someone comes close to me (in the figurative way), and tells me he loves me.
And after this event, I became unwilling to form an intimate bond with a man, even though he had good intentions.
I started to have casual sex, with trivial men.
It was sex, nothing more. (and I always used protection)
Some even became my sex friends.
We didn’t expect more than sex.
No emotional baggage, not obligations, just raw, animalistic sex.
And the sex was good, most of the time.
And somehow, these ‘trivial’ men treated me better in bed, than my first ‘boyfriend’.
I learned to enjoy sex, really enjoying sex with a trustful person.
I didn’t love him, but there was great reciprocal trust.
And then, a thought entered my mind.
I’m not unattractive, I like sex, and have to earn money….
Why don’t I let them pay for it?
And that’s how I ‘ended up’ in prostitution. (although other factors played a role too)